Thursday, December 2, 2010

Sex - A Candid Convo Part 3 (Sunday, November 28, 2010)

Sex - A Candid Convo Part 3 (Sky94 Service) [Listen Here]

In this sermon, we walked - or more like sprinted - through the Song of Solomon. For those of you who don't know, this book is about the relationship between Abishag and Solomon. It is considered the Biblical word on marriage and union. The goal of this sermon, in the words of Pastor Garlow, is to plant a dream in your heart,  and that this dream will inspire you to save yourself for marriage so that you can receive this dream in its fullest.

I'll start this off by listing the major events in the Song of Solomon; however, I don't plan to go chronologically through the book. Instead, I want to give you an overview of what literally takes place and then go over concepts you should take away from the book. I apologize now if this winds up choppy and hard to follow, buy I pray God will intercede and make this make some sort of sense.

Chronology of The Song of Solomon (as given in my sermon outline):
The Wedding Day (1:1-14)
The Bridal Chamber (1:15-2:7)
A Time of Preparation (2:8-3:5)
The Wedding Procession (3:6-11)
The Wedding Night (4:1-5:1)
A Dream of Love Refused (5:2-8)
Solving Sexual Problems (5:9-6:13)
Dance of the Mahanaim (6:13-8:4)
Vacation in the Country (8:5-14)

If any of you wish to read further into any of those topics, the chapters and verses they can be found are in parenthesis next to the topic. Now, I want to delve straight into principles that you should take away from this book - and more importantly this "dream" that was mentioned earlier.

Principles for a Relationship
This book is essentially just that a collection of principles for a relationship. My goal is to give an overview of these, and then look a little more deeply into them as necessary.

The first of these principles is the value of friendship. More importantly, the importance of friendship before intercourse. Hollywood often portrays these relationships where a man and woman who don't even know each other have sex and then a relationship develops from there. This shatters the design by God - and is frankly a load of crap. For true sexual fulfillment or complete oneness and a good relationship, first a deep friendship must form. In Song of Solomon 4:9a, Solomon says to Abishag:
You have stolen my heart, my sister, my bride (NIV)
If the "my sister" thing freaks you out, let me explain. In calling her his sister, he is referring to her as his sister in God. He is showing her respect, that she is more than an object to him. This shows their friendship, the respect they have for one another and how they value each other for more than just a sexual desire.

The second principle is that it is the man's job to do the initiating. In the context of nowadays, that would mean acts like picking the girl up for the date and paying for the date. Now, I have more than one female friend who would blatantly object to this point. However, I see it as sort of a test of the character of the man. Even today with the rise of independent women, there are few women out there who wouldn't want a man to show he actually cares to take the initiative in the relationship. In the author of this blog's opinion, it's a sign of maturity.

The third principle involves two parts. First, let's go outside of Song of Solomon momentarily and take a look at Hebrews 13:4, which states:
Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. (NIV)
Take two things away from this. One, that the marriage bed (unless soiled by adultery) is pure. Some might try to tell you there is shame in intercourse [Note from the author of this blog: I have been asked in the past "Why is it that sex is a sin, yet the only way to have children is through sex." At the time, I was so stunned by that statement I didn't know what to say other than, "The Bible doesn't say sex is a sin." When I think of movies like Carrie where the mother is phobic about anything having to do sex, I can see where this person picked up that myth and I don't believe she is the only one who is under that misconception], but the Bible certainly says otherwise. Keep this in mind, because this idea will come up later in this discussion. The second thing to take away from this passage is the idea of adultery. This passage warns very blatantly against it. One thing Pastor Garlow said, that I think holds a lot of merit is that if you cross that line before marriage (have extramarital sex), it'll be much easier to break it after marriage (the result being an affair). This is where a dream should be sprouting in your head. I can't think of a person who wants their spouse to cheat on them. So I urge you to keep the marriage bed pure, because doing so will make you a loyal husband/wife and give you a long, fulfilling marriage.

The fourth principle is trust. I'll start by saying that trust is the number one foundation for a relationship. A relationship is to be built on trust, and without trust a relationship is bound to fail. In Song of Solomon 2:16a Abishag says:
My beloved is mine and I am his (NIV)
In a relationship built on trust, there is confidence and there is security. Pastor Garlow stated - and suggested Don Welsh might go into deeper the science behind this next week for those interested - that the number one sex organ is the brain (makes sense in my opinion) and that the most essential emotion felt by the brain is trust. Therefore, it make a lot of sense why trust is so important to a relationship. Now keep this trust thing in mind, because it's going to come up again.

The fifth principle is less of a principle and more of an observation. This book is written half from Abishag's perspective and half from Solomon's. The focus of their respective writings differ quite dramatically. Abishag focuses greatly on Solomon's character. Though later she does go into a description of how he looks and her physical attraction to him, she greatly focuses on who Solomon is. Solomon, on the other hand, spends most of his half describing - in detail - her body and her beauty. Just some food for thought, as well as possible insight into the difference between the female and male mind.

The sixth principle comes from an observation of Abishag. In the book, she really wants to please Solomon. From that observation, Pastor Garlow made this assertion. A man is not ready to marry until making his woman's happy is more important to him than his own happiness. The reverse is also true. A woman is not ready to marry until her man's happiness is more important to her than her own.

The seventh principle is about communication. Communication between two people in a relationship should be very open and very clear. Your significant other should know all your weaknesses, your inner most thoughts, everything. As stated before, a relationship is built on trust, and secrets destroy trust.

The eighth principle is that the man must always be patient with his woman. This book really stresses the importance of patience from the man. He is to show his woman tenderness and support and should not lose patience with her.

The ninth principle is to focus on meeting each others needs. This one goes a bit hand and hand with principle six, but here I want to look at a specific passage. 1 Corinthians 7:1-5 states:
Now for the matters you wrote about: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. (NIV)
[Note from the author of this blog: Doing a little research on this passage - which consisted of reading the footnotes in my Bible, so don't get impressed or anything - Paul is answering some questions sent to him from the church in Corinth. His answer here is very specific to this city, because it was a city known for having excessively immoral - especially in terms of sexual immorality. I'd say that fits our nation and our generation perfectly wouldn't you? I'm not saying that to be accusatory or anything, merely that this passage really fits the situation we've found ourselves in now.] I want to draw your attention specifically to the part that begins with "The wife does not have authority over...." It says only to abstain from sex for a time in order to focus on prayer, but that you must only do so for a short time, so that Satan does not tempt you. Both men and women have needs sexually. That's okay, God designed us that way. (The marriage bed is undefiled). Not meeting each other needs is against God's plan and can actually lead to adultery. This was a bit surprising to me, I'll admit; however, keeping in mind how God designed us, and how the devil loves to take advantage of our natural weaknesses, it really shouldn't have.

The tenth principle is that refraining from sex should drive you towards marriage. Basically, it's okay to want to get married to have sex. The marriage bed is undefiled. God made you to want to have sex. At the same time, the author of this blog strongly encourages you to read principle eleven (the part about the prerequisite to marriage) and keep in mind principle one.


The eleventh principle is a warning against premarital sex. Now this is where the whole God is a cosmic killjoy thing comes in. He's not. Sex is supposed to follow marriage, not because God wants to kill all the fun of sex, but because he has a dream for you - the same dream that this sermon is meant to inspire. Marriage is supposed to be a life long commitment (this was mentioned in the last post if I recall correctly - if not, it was the one before it). Remember that trust thing? The foundation of a relationship has to be based on trust. When you can share every one of your weaknesses with a person, and that person is willing to accept you in all your weakness, that is when you are to marry. And then comes the sex. Because the marriage bed is undefiled, it is a place of reckless abandon, and only in full trust can it be fully enjoyed. However, remember principle three? I stand by Pastor Garlow's statement the if that line is crossed before marriage, it becomes much easier to cross it after marriage. How can you really trust someone if they've crossed that line already? [Note from the author of this blog: I want to take a moment to say there is such thing as spiritual virginity. If you've already crossed that line, it's not like it's over for you. But that is something between you, God, and your significant other (at this point I have no other advice on how to seek out this spiritual purity other than talk to your pastor - or read next weeks post and hope it's in there). Having heard/read this message, you are now responsible for your actions and can make choices that you may not have known existed previously. With that in mind, you can have a new life, but that also means you can't just shrug this off as "oh well, I can always ask for forgiveness later." It doesn't work that way. John 9:41: Jesus said to them, "If you were blind, you would have no sin; but now you say, ‘We see.’ Therefore your sin remains."] The trust built by saving yourself for marriage is a huge gift to the person you're marrying. By choosing virginity until marriage, you are laying a foundation of trust that is of immeasurable importance to your future together. And hopefully, you significant other will have had the forethought to present you with the same gift. (There's that dream again)

The twelfth and final principle pertains to the needs of men and women. Again, while recognizing that there is an exception to almost every rule, in general, men need respect and women need tenderness. The male ego is very fragile (This is a paraphrase of Pastor Garlow, it's only not in italics because I don't feel confident enough in the wording to "quote" him.) It's important, ladies, to show your man respect and show him he is special to you. On the other hand, women need tenderness. Gentlemen, this is where the patience comes in. Never force her into something, because it won't result in what you want. A woman is to be treated tenderly and coaxed, never forced.

So that was our sprint through the Song of Solomon. Pastor Garlow asserts that a year's worth of sermons (that's fifty-two sermons) could be taught on the Song of Solomon and you would repeat yourself hardly at all, so this is a very brief overview. I (and Pastor Garlow) hope this planted a dream in your heart - a dream for a relationship like nothing you could imagine. Now this is much better heard in person, and I urge anyone who wasn't there to go to the Skyline Church sermon archives and listen to this sermon for themselves, because Pastor Garlow does an amazing job of really personifying the love between Solomon and Abishag. I don't know about everyone else who was there, but he certainly had me thinking, that is what I want. Still, if these words are all you read, I hope you walk away from this wanting a true love and a pure love, like what God wants for you. Not a superficial and soiled love like what this world puts on a pedestal. If so, I hope this gave you a few practical ways to ensure you get the most out of your relationship. And remember above all else. This relationship thing is a triangle, with God at the apex. The closer you and your significant other are to God, the shorter the distance between the two of you.

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